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In the spirit of the season, here’s a chilling comparison of NFL personalities and characters from classic horror films:
😈 Sam Darnold as Jack Torrance (“The Shining”)
The setup for each of them honestly seemed pretty great. What writer wouldn’t embrace a few months of solitude at the Overlook? What quarterback wouldn’t appreciate a few months lobbing passes to Justin Jefferson?
Alas, every Vikings fan already understands that last week’s Rams loss was the scene in which Jack chats at the bar with phantom Lloyd. This season definitely ends with a wild-eyed Darnold frozen in a hedge maze (metaphorically).
🧙♀️ Christian McCaffrey as the Blair Witch
CMC has been the dominant figure in your fantasy season, shaping every decision, terrifying you, triggering every transaction you have made. But when this whole thing is over and we’re exiting the theater, you are gonna be livid that he did not appear on-screen even one [expletive] time.
👻 Ezekiel Elliott as Dr. Malcolm Crowe (“The Sixth Sense”)
Both characters are well-intentioned and perhaps misunderstood. Each can still interact with the material world at some faint level. Unfortunately, both are ghosts rattling around the house, unaware of their true state.
Zeke, whispering softly to a sleeping Jerry Jones: “I think I can go now.”
Iconic scene.
*Wipes away single tear*
🧟♂️ Woody Johnson as Victor Frankenstein
Each had an audacious idea involving reanimation. In the case of Frankenstein, he revivified actual corpse parts. In the case of the owner of the New York Jets, it was Aaron Rodgers. Both efforts spat forth something ruinous and unintended into the world, ending with angry villagers scouring the countryside.
🥸🐸 Travis Kelce and Patrick Mahomes as Val and Earl (“Tremors”)
Yeah, OK, this is mostly about the vibes. Kelce is clearly Kevin Bacon’s character (Val), which would logically make Taylor Swift the seismologist (Rhonda), which is frankly an elegant construction.
If we were just picking dudes out of a lineup to save a sleepy desert town from underground worm-monsters who hunt prey via sound and vibration, you would probably not choose Travis and Patrick. However, these are the heroes we need in our strange times.
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