Hopefully you all had a good day at your real jobs and didn’t watch this game because it was ROUGH. In the first 11 (THAT IS ELEVEN. TWO ONES NEXT TO EACH OTHER. IT’S TOO MANY FOR THE REST OF THIS UN-FUN FACT) innings of this game the Minnesota Twins went 1-14 with runners in scoring position. Luckily, Taj Bradley and the Twins’ apparently elite bullpen kept Cleveland to 0-17. The Twins were bad, but the Guardians were worse. So baseball goes.
Various Cleveland Guardians social media accounts and influencers refer to Cleveland’s brand of baseball as Guardsball. However, due to the Guardians ranking in the bottom five of nearly every offensive category of substance over the past five seasons, as far as I can tell Guardsball is about scoring as few runs as possible, hitting into weak outs, and pretending that a bloop single over the shortstop is a skill and not luck. Also Guardsball may be having your All-Star closer participate in the most nefarious gambling scheme in modern sports, but I’m still unclear on that part.
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Anyway. Let’s do a Guardsball-inspired recap to try something different. Taj Bradley and Gavin Williams were the starting pitchers today, playing the role of “victim.”
BOTTOM 1: Twins 0, Guardians 0
Steven Kwan walked and stole second to start the game the Cleveland, giving the home squad a great chance to score early. Jose Ramirez had a typical AB, fouling off countless two-strike pitches but ended up with a soft liner to center. Chase DeLauter then ground out on a splitter that was, conservatively, a foot below the zone. And finally Brayan Rocchio struck out to leave Kwan stranded.
RISP: Twins 0-0, Guardians 0-3
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LOBster count: Twins 1, Guardians 1
BOTTOM 4: Twins 0, Guardians 0
This inning started the same way as the first for Cleveland, with a walk and SB, this time by DeLauter. A wild pitch let DeLauter reach third, but Bradley struck out Rocchio and Rhys Hoskins with a pop-out from undeserved All-Star Travis Bazzana sandwiched in the middle. No dice.
RISP: Twins 0-0, Guardians 0-6
LOBster count: Twins 1, Guardians 3
TOP 5: Twins 0, Guardians 0
Finally, a threat for the good guys! Kody Clemens did his best Guardian impression and singled and stole second base to give the Twins a great scoring opportunity with no outs. Unfortunately this game is cursed with the two worst clutch hitting performances of all time (don’t fact check me) so no runs could be allowed. Royce Lewis popped out, Austin Martin struck out, and Luke Keaschall hit the ball hard but put it right on the ground to first base.
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RISP: Twins 0-3, Guardians 0-6
LOBster count: Twins 2, Guardians 3
TOP 8: Twins 0, Guardians 1
Guardians catcher Patrick Bailey hit a homer at some point between these two innings, but there wasn’t even anyone stranded on base so who cares about that? That is NOT what’s Guardsball is about. I hope you learned your lesson, Patrick. Let’s get back to the good stuff: Guardsball.
Lewis walked, stole second, Trevor Larnach struck out, Keaschall walked, and pinch hitter Alan Roden came in to face All-Star closer Cade Smith. Unfortunately, Roden did not get the Guardsball memo since he wasn’t playing for most of today and delivered a clutch RBI single on the very first pitch he saw to tie the game at one apiece.
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As far as I can tell, this All-Star closer did NOT participate in any nefarious gambling schemes. That’s probably why he gave up the RBI single. He wasn’t willing to make the Guardsball sacrifice in order for his team to win. Next time, place a three-way parlay on whether your first three pitches will be balls or strikes, then maybe you can come through when your team needs it most.
The Twins got back to Guardsball with a Lee groundout and Buxton strikeout to end the threat.
RISP: Twins 1-6, Guardians 0-6
LOBster count: Twins 4, Guardians 3
BOTTOM 8: Twins 1, Guardians 1
Andrew Morris quickly got the first two outs of this inning, but notorious Guardsballer Steven Kwan delivered his third hit of the game with a wild pitch allowing him to advance to second base with two outs. However, Jose Ramirez quickly popped out to fellow hamate veteran Ryan Jeffers to end the frame.
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RISP: Twins 1-6, Guardians 0-7
LOBster count: Twins 4, Guardians 4
BOTTOM 9: Twins 1, Guardians 1
Yoendrys Gomez is not yet an All-Star, so no gambling required for this Guardsball move. He needed all of five pitches to retire the first two batters, but issued back-to-back walks to Bazzana and Hoskins two put two on for Kyle Manzardo, who quickly struck out to send it to extra innings.
RISP: Twins 1-6, Guardians 0-8
LOBster count: Twins 4, Guardians 6
TOP 10: Twins 1, Guardians 1
Now we have the fun scenario where Guardsball meets the Manfred Man. Every extra inning in the regular season now starts with the potential for Guardsball from the top. Remember: scoring is NOT Guardsball,
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However, when Lewis, Larnach, and Keaschall hit into three quick outs to end the frame before it really began, that’s what we’re looking for here.
RISP: Twins 1-9, Guardians 0-8
LOBster count: Twins 5, Guardians 6
BOTTOM 10: Twins 1, Guardians 1
Bailey, Petey Halpin, and Kwan did their organizational duty. To the 11th.
RISP: Twins 1-9, Guardians 0-11
LOBster count: Twins 5, Guardians 7
TOP 11: Twins 1, Guardians 1
Where do we stand on intentional walks as part of Guardsball? It seems pretty anti-Guardsball to have someone in your lineup who is a good enough hitter to warrant an intentional walk, but the Guardians do employ Jose Ramirez so it’s hard to say. Regardless, the ineptitude warrants another paragraph. Eight pitches later and a Buxton walk later, Roden, Lee, and Jeffers hit into three soft outs to end their half and potentially my sanity.
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I’m losing steam on this bit. Please someone help me. God. Let me outside. My family keeps pressuring me to get into cockfighting. Oh wait, that’s another completely separate Emmanuel Clase anecdote? Alright I’m back in.
RISP: Twins 1-12, Guardians 0-11
LOBster count: Twins 7, Guardians 7
BOTTOM 11: Twins 1, Guardians 1
To make sure everything was even and fair, Taylor Rogers intentionally walked Jose Ramirez. Now we don’t have to have the philosphical debate. Both walks cancel each other out and we move on. Rogers then got DeLauter, Rocchio, and Bazzana in order. To the 12th inning we go!
RISP: Twins 1-12, Guardians 0-14
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LOBster count: Twins 7, Guardians 9
TOP 12: Twins 1, Guardians 1
Oh god. It’s done. I hate Guardsball. Please don’t make me do this again, baseball Zeus. How does the city of Cleveland live like this? Baseball is supposed to be FUN!! For the love of god please stop trying to make incompetence cool. We already have enough that in other facets of life. For the sake of baseball, I am begging the Guardians to get a second good hitter. They’ve needed one for a decade. Just do it for all that is good in the world.
Thank you Trevor Larnach. Thank you Luke Keaschall. Two two-out RBI singles later and the Twins lead 3-1 and I can finally put this bit to rest.
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RISP: Twins 3-17, Guardians 0-17
LOBster count: Twins 9, Guardians 9
Alright back to normal. Thank god.
Jack Anderson made things interesting in the bottom of the 12th, with a two-out walk bringing the winning run to the plate. But Anderson retired pinch hitter Daniel Schneeman to end the game and secure the series split.
Anderson became the 12th Twin to record a save this season, further increasing the franchise record. That list includes such illustrious names as Luis Garcia and Justin Topa, both of whom are currently not in affiliated ball. If I were a betting man, I’d place the over/under on 17 different Twins recording a save before the year is up. There will be one from a trade deadline acquisition not currently on the team and another from Connor Prielipp after he moves to the bullpen to limit his workload. Tommy Nance is bound to get one at some point when Gomez and Morris are unavailable. One of Woo-Suk Go or Marco Raya probably gets an opportunity eventually just due to raw stuff. The final one will be the inevitable three inning Mike Paredes/Kendry Rojas bulk relief job after Joe Ryan goes six shutout. Stay tuned, I’ll have the lottery numbers for you next week.
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Next up for the Twins is the reeling Las Oakramento Athletics, who are a robust 3-13 in July. They’ll round out their pre-trade deadline schedule with the bad Kansas City Royals, who just lost MVP candidate Bobby Witt Jr. to a back injury and the middling Seattle Mariners, who lost MVP candidate Cal Raleigh to a bizarre phenomenon known as “regression.” Even if it was ugly, salvaging a split was a huge boon to this team that hopes the front office will be buyers. They’ll have a great chance to emphasize their point with this soft portion of the schedule coming at a good time.
STUDS
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PLEASE NO I’LL DO ANYTHING
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Also the Twins pitchers (Bradley, Morris, Gomez, Nance, Rogers, Anderson): combined 12 IP, 3 H, 1 solo HR allowed, NO OTHER RUNS
DUDS
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Somehow this game only took 3:23 despite it being stuck in a fifth dimension outside of the very bounds of time and space. We are all but mites of dust compared to the power of Guardsball, may we all beg for forgiveness and pray to every baseball god that we are never in this position again. I need to call my mom.
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Oh uh, no duds, Twins win… technically.
Comment of the game goes to Danish philospher Soren Kierkegaard who once wrote, “With every increase in the degree of consciousness, and in proportion to that increase, the intensity of despair increases: the more consciousness the more intense the despair.”
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May we never be conscious of Guardsbell again. Amen.
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