I have to get this off my chest: the Mariners “fanny pack hat” promotional giveaway item tonight makes absolutely no sense. I get that they’re leaning into the 70s this weekend as part of their 50th anniversary season celebration, with future weekends leaning on the 80s, 90s, and so forth. But, look, the fanny pack is so called because it is worn on your fanny. When you remove the placement, it ceases to be a fanny pack. What the Mariners have created here instead is simply a hat with a bag on it. A hat sack.
The only way this thing is a fanny pack is if you loop your belt through the snapback and wear it around your waist. But of course, at that point, it has ceased to be a hat, except as a hat for your fanny. You know, an asshat.
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Speaking of asshats, the Mariners played nine innings of what can loosely be described as baseball tonight. It didn’t have to be so bad. With one out in the first, the Mariners loaded the bases on a four-pitch walk to Cal Raleigh, a scorched double from Julio Rodríguez, and a ten-pitch walk—the only thing better than a four-pitch walk—to Josh Naylor. But those runners would be left on those bases, a fact that would haunt the Mariners throughout the rest of the game.
The Mariners chased Rangers’ starter Jacob deGrom after just four innings, but then they had to face Gavin Collyer, who looks like he’s going to be a giant problem for the next half-decade, slinging 100-mph heaters out of a funky arm slot. Josh Naylor did manage to get a hit off of him (one of two hits to go with two walks). But he was later thrown out at the plate on the worst send since the Zimmermann Telegram. Wyatt Langford had the ball in shallow left field before Naylor had even touched third base. For getting hung out to dry despite finally having a good night at the plate, Naylor wins a second-consecutive Sun Hat Award. Cole Young might have won it for getting two four-pitch walks in the same game, but he gave it back with a miscommunication with Julio in the triangle that resulted in Julio ripping a divot in the field and scraping his hand.
I’d like to look at Logan Gilbert’s line of 5.1 IP, 2 ER, 7 H, 1 BB, 7 K, and say at least Gilbert had another good performance. But it really wasn’t great. He was all over the place in his first three innings: fastball velocity up and down, over-relying on his worst pitches while the splitter and slider sat on the shelf. A fastball right down Broadway to Brandon Nimmo resulted in a leadoff home run and set the tone. In Logan’s defense, just like Ryon Healy in the booth, he did get better once he started being himself in the fourth inning. But the damage had been done—to his pitch count if not the score. After a 2024-esque start on Monday, tonight he looked a lot more like his 2025 self, with a bunch of strikeouts hiding his inefficiency and ineffectiveness. Although he left the game with a surmountable two-run deficit, the bats and bullpen only made it worse.
That marks 22 innings since the Mariners last scored against the Rangers. But don’t worry. They face Nathan Eovaldi tomorrow. I’m sure it’ll be fine.
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