BIGGER THE VASE, BIGGER THE COST
With more than 80,000 English football fans expected to descend on Bilbao for the Bigger Vase final, it’s safe to assume that approximately half of them will return home in despair, while almost all of them will be seriously out of pocket. But despite its status as a fine location with a proud football heritage, Bilbao doesn’t have the infrastructure to cope with the myriad demands that come with hosting a game between the 16th and 17th best teams in England. With “budget” flights costing well north of a grand and even the most low-rent accommodation priced up at £500-plus a night, one can but hope for the sake of those Spurs and Manchester United fans who use plane, train, automobile or boat to arrive in northern Spain for this season-defining match that Bilbao has no shortage of doorways and park benches. Expect plenty to be occupied on Tuesday evening by green-around-the-gills landlubbers who set off on Sunday evening’s Portsmouth ferry, a vessel which docked in Bilbao earlier.
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The players and staff of both clubs involved are likely to be feeling similarly queasy before an encounter that would be considerably less stressful if it weren’t for the fact they have to play each other. Having left the acrid, smouldering skips that constitute their respective domestic campaigns behind them for one last shot at redemption at San Mamés, all concerned will be painfully aware of the potentially damaging consequences of defeat. While silverware in the form of Bigger Vase, a place in next season’s Bigger Cup and tens of millions of pounds are on the line, the sheer volume of nationwide and international derision that will be heaped upon all connected with whichever side loses this final is uncontemplatable. After the debacle of Spurs’ and United’s seasons, for either to lose a Bigger Vase final against [insert random mid-table European side here] would hurt but be reasonably tolerable. For either to lose a Bigger Vase final against the other will prompt generational levels of entirely-justified ridicule.
“You can imagine what impact that will have on their lives, their family’s lives, the people who are in their circle,” sighed Ange Postecoglou, who it’s only fair to point out was contemplating the consequences of a Spurs triumph. “It will be something they never forget and it’ll be something that they’ll share with two, three generations of people in their circle. So it doesn’t escape me – the enormity of it.” And in the event of defeat? “You can imagine what impact that will have on their lives, their family’s lives, the people who are in their circle etc, and so on,” he added because sometimes the gags just write themselves. Meanwhile in the United camp, Ange’s opposite number was musing on the quirks of fate that have led to English football’s most high-profile crisis clubs meeting in this winner-takes-all showdown. “I think it will have an impact on the fans – and when I say ‘the fans’ I mean our fans – because they need this win,” roared Ruben Amorim. “They will look at the coach in a different way, because it would mean [Bigger Cup] football. These games have to be won and if you don’t there is nothing left but sadness.” Well, sadness, a sleepless night on a Bilbao bench and a miserable, overpriced journey home to a lifetime of unbridled mockery.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Taha Hashim at 8pm BST for updates on Manchester City 2-1 Bournemouth in Kevin De Bruyne’s final home game.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
A very beautiful career is coming to an end, a very full life. I feel very fortunate for what I’ve experienced. I didn’t expect it, but I think the time has come and I feel like bringing it to a close here” – former Barcelona, Liverpool and Spain vibes-man, Pepe Reina, is hanging up his gloves aged 7842 after Como’s final game of the season on Friday. He might have a busy last day at the office given Inter will be desperately fighting for the title. Look out for any loose beachballs, Pepe!
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
Trust the Germans to have a word to describe every situation or feeling. Liverpool’s current performance (or lack of) can be defined as Erfüllungsleere” – Krishna Moorthy.
Given this appears to be the year of the underdog in cup finals, Tottenham and Manchester United must be really optimistic” – Martyn Shapter.
Re: Memory Lane (yesterday’s Football Daily, full email edition) – that mascot got a bit more than they bargained for” – Jim Hearson.
I’d question the wisdom of publishing both of Michael Glogower’s pun-laden Eredivisie missives in recent letters sections. Remember, two De Jongs don’t make a right …” – Derek McGee.
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Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s letter o’ the day winners are … Krishna Moorthy, who wins some Football Weekly merch. We’ll be in touch. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, can be viewed here.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s David Squires on … moving scenes and mind games as Crystal Palace win the FA Cup.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The Premier League has referred Leicester City to an independent commission for an alleged breach of spending rules in the 2023-24 season, though a tribunal ruled the club cannot face further action over a similar breach in 2022-23.
Arne Slot has kicked off his flip-flops, reclined his deck chair and declared that Federico Chiesa offered more than could be expected on his first Premier League start in Liverpool’s 3-2 loss on the beach at Brighton. “If you haven’t played throughout the whole season, hardly ever had any starts, and then to play … a very good team, No 8 in the league that can bring in [Kaoru] Mitoma 20 minutes before the end – that tells you everything,” soothed Slot.
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Oliver Glasner believes Crystal Palace can avoid becoming a “one-hit wonder” after winning the FA Cup by not doing “crazy things”. “For me the next step is to play between [positions] eight and 12 [in the league]. Very stable,” he cooed, in what was perhaps a deliberate attempt to bring fans back down to Earth.
Olympique Lyonnais Féminin have been renamed OL Lyonnes – and they’re going to get a swish new training centre to go with their sparkling new name.
Erik ten Hag could be on his way back to Amsterdam, baby! “[He] has been on the list for a long time,” blabbed Ajax’s technical director, Alex Kroes. “He is well-known, he did a fantastic job when he was here. I spoke to him briefly on Sunday [before Francesco Farioli did one]. He was in the Arena as a spectator.”
Pep Guardiola says Jack Grealish’s Manchester City future will not be decided by him. “People don’t believe me, but these things belong to the [Mr 15%s] and the club and Txiki [Begiristain] …” he honked. “What is going to happen will happen.”
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There were fun and games in the department of South America as Boca Juniors’ woeful season continued with a 1-0 home defeat by Independiente in the last eight of the Argentinian Apertura, after which tearful fans called for club president, the one and only Juan Román Riquelme, to resign. Interim coach Mariano Herrón summed up the mood. “There’s a lot of pain,” he sniffed. “About the matches I coached, I take responsibility. I don’t know if it’s a failure, but I didn’t achieve my objectives, which was to reach the June 1 final.”
And in the only bob that might actually make you chuckle, Torquay United have appointed long-time fan Paul B@stard as the club’s supporter liaison officer. “The club has given me so much over the years, mainly as an exile since the age of 18,” trilled the happy B@stard. “Now I feel like I need to give something back.”
K-L-O-P-P
Now for another warning not to believe everything you read on the internet. If you were scanning your social media disgraces for football news on Monday, you may have stumbled across rumours that Jürgen Klopp was close to replacing the outgoing Claudio Ranieri at Roma. You may even have believed them. But one newspaper, La Stampa, went one step further and reported that the former Liverpool manager and current Red Bull football head honcho had accepted an offer to take the job. Rumours were ramped up even further, with apparent sightings of Klopp walking his dog in Rome. Yep. A day later the same publication reported that the club has “categorically denied” the news. Ah. So how did such a rumour fly like this? There must have been something concrete? Well, kind of, if we allow for what the Colosseum is made from. You see, Roma’s owner, the Friedkin Group, posted a video on Friday celebrating the capital club and its legacy. The video included images of iconic sites: Colosseum (Kolosseum in German), Lupa Capitolina, Olimpico, (St) Peter’s and Pantheon in that order. Some amateur sleuth pointed out the starting letters of those words — some in Italian, some in German, some omitting part of the name — spell Klopp. And it spiralled from there. Right. They need a new video that spells F-A-R-I-O-L-I.
MOVING THE GOALPOSTS
The latest instalment of our sister email is out now and you can read an extract about the untimely demise of Fortuna Sittard right here.
STILL WANT MORE?
Your time will be well spent with this Joy of Six on Kevin De Bruyne.
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More Bigger Vase final business for you: Ange Postecoglou may have changed his trophy tune but glory may still not save him, warns David Hytner, who has also profiled a rare bright spot for Spurs this season, Brennan Johnson.
Michael Savage pops by from the media desk to review a long-running BBC saga which had a predictable denouement.
As Jonathan Liew’s body begins to show undeniable signs of decay, he reflects on a profoundly underwhelming sporting life.
Marcelino, the miracle man of Villarreal, is taking “the village” back to Bigger Cup. Sid Lowe has the story.
And Alexander Abnos delves into the case of MLS editing out one of the key storylines this season.
MEMORY LANE
Back to the beach. Or the artificial one in London’s Hyde Park, at least, as Eric Cantona shows off his skills during the UK leg of the Pro Beach Soccer League in June 2001. He also managed to bring attention to the event with some choice quotes about performance-enhancing drugs. “I prefer someone who takes cocaine on a Wednesday and plays football on the weekend to win,” he tooted. “He can still look himself in the mirror and be proud of himself if he has played hard for the team to help them win.”
BETTER MONDAYS HAVE BEEN SPENT
Read the full article here
