An Accursed Bog Witch Predicts the 26/27 Wolves Season

Editor’s Note: One of the most fun parts of the Canis Hoopus of the past was the sheer creativity and eccentricity of the writers that would baffle and surprise me, but clearly carried the care and love that this site should be home to.

It is my pleasure to introduce Anand Balasubrahmanyan, who embodies that concept perfectly. Please give him a warm welcome!

While hiking in the Blaine Wetland Sanctuary, a Canis Hoopus staff writer encountered an accursed bog witch and took the opportunity to peer into her acrid crystal ball for answers about the upcoming Minnesota Timberwolves season. The following transcript of their conversation was mailed to Canis headquarters on a wretched parchment hewn from human skin.

Hey Wolves fans, feeling hungry for 26/27 season predictions?

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Canis Hoopus Representative: Anthony Edwards has one of the best supporting casts he’s ever had, and finally seems set to do the things he’s great at instead of being forced to fill in gaps. Are awards within grasp for the young Wolves superstar?

Accursed Bog Witch: *adds eye of newt to burbling caldron*

The best part of being a Timberwolves fan has been watching Ant add to his game each year. From ‘wow, that rookie gets to the rim like a next-level athlete’ to ‘hey, Ant’s three-point release is much more consistent’ to ‘oh my God, did he just hit his head on the rim while blocking that shot?’ to last year’s ‘man, this guy has the smoothest step through floater I’ve ever seen,’ A1 from Day 1 is significantly better on Day 2,190. 

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At age 25, Ant is entering those golden years when the truly elite ballers rip off peak seasons and gatecrash the MVP conversation. Ant has gradually increased his scoring average each year, and a 30-point-per-game season is well within his grasp – this would guarantee a slot as an MVP finalist. 

In this humble, demonic bog witch’s opinion, Edwards would make an even stronger case for himself if he unlocked his rebounding potential and averaged one more rebound per game (six boards per game). With inveterate chucker LaMelo Ball as his backcourt partner, I could also see an uptick in assists to five per game. I predict averages of 30 points, six rebounds, five assists, and a shade over one steal – that looks like an MVP to me.

Unfortunately, the NBA MVP is also a narrative award. This means voters will often go with the player who has the best story alongside gaudy stats. There are three players constructing revenge narratives that could distract MVP voters from MN’s beloved ATLien:

• Jaylen Brown: Disrespected scorer sticks it to smug Boston front office. Very appealing outside New England.

• Jalen Brunson: Finals hero gives doubters a make-up call. Appealing to voters who swear they knew Jalen had it in him the whole time.

What will it be like to root for LaMelo?

CH: Too much of this offseason has been focused on how fans of the NBA struggle to root for Ball because of his colorful personality and dreadful driving. Will that worry materialize?

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ABW:

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate you.

I love you.

Grow up.

Stay young forever.

This will be the yo-yo of your heart as LaMelo jacks one-legged threes and dimes up Joan Beringer from the fifth dimension. Why did he take that shot? How did he make that pass? Why does his cherry-red nose resemble a rheumatic mall Santa three drinks in?

My advice? Embrace the crazy; it can’t be worse than Dillingham. 

CH: On a related note, who are the best point guards in Wolves history?

ABW: Stare deep into your soul, for the answers you seek are already within.

• Sam Cassell – If only scrotum reduction surgery had been invented in 2003

• Terrell Brandon – Solid foul line jumper

• Stephon Marbury – Always wondered what if the Wolves held onto Ray Allen instead of trading him for Marbury? Could Kevin Garnett and Allen have achieved their Celtics success in Minny, or did they need the bitter taste of defeat first? 

• Ricky Rubio – Spent his NBA career pursuing the mythical 20-assist, zero-point game

• Ancient Mike Conley – Creak of his knees still echoes in the Target Center rafters

• D’Angelo Russell – Feast or famine shooters are no good for a starving fanbase

• Pooh Richardson – Pooh’s the best 

• Tyus Jones – Surely, the next three has to go in

• Jonny Flynn – Still time for him to have a better career than Steph Curry

In other words, LaMelo is going to awaken things inside of you that you never knew existed.

Did the Wolves make the right choice in restructuring their roster?

CH: Why did the Wolves change their identity from frontcourt giants to zippy ball handlers?

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ABW: Why indeed. As a fellow practitioner of sinister blood magiks, I think I can see what Tim Connelly was going for this offseason. The jumbo lineups, which proved so effective vs the Denver Nuggets, have grown obsolete as Denver decided to cheap out and let their role players leave the building. Now it’s the Oklahoma City Thunder and the San Antonio Spurs we need to worry about. Julius Randle could beat big-boy Draymond, but not Big Vic. 

Last year, OKC provided an enticing glimpse of how to forget the Alamo. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and company took San Antonio to seven games without Jalen Williams by pushing them with waves and waves of pesky guards who just kept running. Jared McCain gave Wemby more issues than Rudy Gobert.

This summer, Connelly was the only GM brave enough to ask: what if we constructed an OKC-style, guard-heavy lineup populated entirely by knuckleheads??? Genius is madness with a dash of luck. 

CH: What should I do with my Naz Reid tattoo?

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ABW: Ask your tattoo artist if they can laser-fade your Big Jelly tat to look like Amy Klobuchar

Wait are you crying?

CH: I just…I just love Naz so much

ABW: Look, a large portion of the Infernal Bog Witch Analytics Community (IBWAC) ranks Naz as a better player than LaMelo. Over the last two years, Naz has been a better three-point shooter (37% from three vs. 35%), a better rebounder (6.1 rebounds per game vs. 4.8), has played 48 more games than LaMelo, and has been more effective as a road safety instructor than the former Lithuanian league superstar.

CH: Which young Timberwolf will “make the leap”?

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ABW: Shout out to the Canis comments section–its Joan Beringer! The Big Beret had an up-and-down rookie season, often looking like the game was moving too fast for him to process. But that’s normal rookie stuff. The potential he flashed got this whole bog wet. Soft hands! Great motor!

Cut down on the fouls and take a deep breath Joan. Its your time to shine.  

(Also, Jaylen Clark is better than Josh Okogie, and he is maybe the ninth-best player on the team? Feels so good to root for a deep Wolves bench [no offense to the Robbie Hummel days…but c’mon!])

Can Jonathan Kuminga be a functional power forward?

CH: What about Jonathan Kuminga? Will his signing work out or blow up? It feels like someone picking the Wolves like this has never happened.

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ABW: Back when I was a young hag, still perfecting my hysterical cackle, power forwards ran the NBA. Kevin Garnett, Tim Duncan, Pau Gasol, and Dirk Nowitzki all dominated with some combination of tentpole defense and clinical mid-range jumpers. But in 2026, the role of a power forward has shifted. Let’s explore a few power forward archetypes who’ve seen success in the modern game and what Kuminga could aspire to:

• Aging stars downshifting to cagey role players (LeBron James, Kevin Durant): They might not have the youthful explosiveness that drove their MVP seasons, but age has distilled these savvy vets down to their essence. These PF’s use efficient pull-ups or pinpoint passes to elevate their teammates. Kuminga’s shot selection is not wise enough for this role.

• A center who plays power forward because the word “power” sounds cooler (Giannis Antetokounmpo): Kuminga lacks the necessary cohort of Greek siblings to fill this role.

• Brute-force ball-handler (Paolo Banchero, Deni Avdija): If Kuminga gets the number of touches that Deni needs to get his, then things have gone terribly wrong for the Timberwolves. Not to mention, no Wolves player has ever had the refs support the way Avdija does.

• Young gun with old-man strength (Stephon Castle, OG Anunoby, Scottie Barnes) OK, now we’re talking. If Kuminga can convince himself to take a backseat to scoring guards, he has the muscle to focus on forceful transition dunks, bait trips to the line, and rebound like he did in Atlanta. How likely is this outcome? Don’t ask Steve Kerr. 

CH: It’s Game 7 in round one vs the Houston Rockets. Who does Chris Finch play in the last five minutes?

ABW: Ant, Gobert, Jaden McDaniels, Ayo Dosunmu, and Inflatable Crunch

CH: Will the Wolves finally win 50 games this year?

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ABW: The Wolves will win 49 games.

CH: Before we started this conversation, you had me sign a contract, but I didn’t look too closely at it. Should I be concerned about that?

ABW: Don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine; you have such smooth skin. Do you moisturize?